A chance comment by a friend of mine – about the time he was instructed to change “Rudolph” to “Randolph” in a song lyric – brought to mind a slim volume titled A Martian Wouldn’t Say That
(Subtitle: Urgent Memos TV Execs Wish They Hadn’t Written). Some of the ill-conceived comments – notes to writers, producers and directors from the network – are doubtlessly more entertaining than the programs they were trying to fiddle with.
“Remember, our lead is an Indian. In the scenes in which he runs through the streets and Central Park, make sure he runs appropriate to an Indian.”
“Please do not sensationalize the dead gopher.”
“Try to avoid controversy on The Governor and J.J. For example, on page 23, Governor Drinkwater vehemently attacks a southern Senator, calling him a babbling nincompoop. Southerners are very sensitive as to how their representatives are portrayed. Could you pick another part of the country where this might not be true?”
From the Office of Standards and Practices: “The opening sequence [on McMillan and Wife] bothers us. You have the camera following the actress from behind as she walks down a dark alley. We would prefer to see her walk toward the camera.”
- Response: “Can’t be done. It would be too expensive to reshoot.”
- From the Office of Standards and Practices: “You don’t have to reshoot – just flip the film.”
From VP of Programming: “Due to the sensitive nature of the script, we urge that this show be done in good taste.”
- Response: “Thanks for your memo. It arrived just in time as I was on the verge of doing the show in the worst possible taste.”
“When the nurses take a shower, do not have them nude.“
“It is too gruesome and unsympathetic to have Martin murdered while hooked up to life support systems. Wait till he recovers, then kill him.“
“This draft doesn’t work. Unfortunately, the script is strikingly similar to the material from which it was adapted.“
My friend never found out the reason for the Rudolph/Randolph switch, but presumed it had to do with either Santa Claus or the Third Reich.
A program I once wrote and produced was critiqued in exquisite detail: dozens of small changes were requested, none of which made any sense or any difference, as far as I could see. So I waited two weeks, told them I had fixed it, then showed them the exact same program once again.
They all agreed it was much, much better.
Here’s the audio from a Bob and Ray appearance on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson from 1976 – rescued from an old TDK audiocassette in my archive. It features:
